We spent a great weekend with Tony's family out in his hometown of Jefferson City Missouri. I have several pics to share, but for the moment I have a thought that I can't seem to shake so I thought I would share it with the blog world :)
After the miscarriage about a month ago I had several thoughts and emotions, but the one that seems to linger is the possibility that we will not have any other children. Now before everyone rolls their eyes and scoffs I do completely realize that this is not the most likely of scenarios. I fully realize that the most likely event is that we go on to have many more happy/healthy babies. But still, the thought that Charlie may be are one and only is a thought that has stayed with me over the course of the last month. For me the thought comes not just from the fact that we lost a baby, but also because I developed a form of severe preclampsia with Charlie (HELLP syndrome) and had to be induced at 37 weeks. I had essentially no symptoms up to this point and I think I completely shocked my doctors and myself when they determined my diagnosis.
All in all for me it equals a certain level of uncertainty about what future pregnancies might hold for me.
And while all of this may seem very negative, the point of my post is something I consider actually quite positive.
The miscarriage, and this lingering thought that Charlie may be the one and only has really made me take a step back and enjoy him. That sounds ridiculous I know because I should have been enjoying him all along, and I was, but not at the same level. We get busy with life, and work, and stress and we breeze over or take for granted some of the sweetness that comes with having a 1 year old.
I remember being on maternity leave and just LOVING rocking him to sleep. I sat there, completely mindless just marveling at his little face. Then I went back to work and I know overtime I started to look at this act a little differently. I let the world invade our quiet time, and inevitably while rocking him I would start making lists in my head of everything I needed to do (laundry, pack a lunch, answer work emails, etc.). I didn't use that time to just stare at him and marvel -- I took it for granted.
In the last month I have noticed a heightened awareness in myself. I've slowed down time when I am with Charlie. I rock him to sleep, I block out the world, and just stare at his face :)
And while rocking him, I think to myself -- if God's plan was for us to only have one child, he blessed us a millions times over when he sent Charlie our way. I'm forever blessed to be his mother and I realize that now more than ever.