Soaking it all In

We spent a great weekend with Tony's family out in his hometown of Jefferson City Missouri.  I have several pics to share, but for the moment I have a thought that I can't seem to shake so I thought I would share it with the blog world :)

After the miscarriage about a month ago I had several thoughts and emotions, but the one that seems to linger is the possibility that we will not have any other children.  Now before everyone rolls their eyes and scoffs I do completely realize that this is not the most likely of scenarios.  I fully realize that the most likely event is that we go on to have many more happy/healthy babies.  But still, the thought that Charlie may be are one and only is a thought that has stayed with me over the course of the last month. For me the thought comes not just from the fact that we lost a baby, but also because I developed a form of severe preclampsia with Charlie (HELLP syndrome) and had to be induced at 37 weeks.  I had essentially no symptoms up to this point and I think I completely shocked my doctors and myself when they determined my diagnosis.
All in all for me it equals a certain level of uncertainty about what future pregnancies might hold for me.
And while all of this may seem very negative, the point of my post is something I consider actually quite positive.

The miscarriage, and this lingering thought that Charlie may be the one and only has really made me take a step back and enjoy him.  That sounds ridiculous I know because I should have been enjoying him all along, and I was, but not at the same level.  We get busy with life, and work, and stress and we breeze over or take for granted some of the sweetness that comes with having a 1 year old. 
I remember being on maternity leave and just LOVING rocking him to sleep.  I sat there, completely mindless just marveling at his little face.  Then I went back to work and I know overtime I started to look at this act a little differently.  I let the world invade our quiet time, and inevitably while rocking him I would start making lists in my head of everything I needed to do (laundry, pack a lunch, answer work emails, etc.).  I didn't use that time to just stare at him and marvel -- I took it for granted.
In the last month I have noticed a heightened awareness in myself.  I've slowed down time when I am with Charlie.  I rock him to sleep, I block out the world, and just stare at his face :)
And while rocking him, I think to myself -- if God's plan was for us to only have one child, he blessed us a millions times over when he sent Charlie our way.  I'm forever blessed to be his mother and I realize that now more than ever.

My Son - The Shoe Lover

This is Charlie

(this is what most of his pictures look like these days :)



And Charlie LOVES shoes.  As soon as he sees his shoes he runs over to them, sits himself down and squawks for you to put them on.  He kicks his little feet together in anticipation.  It is soooo cute.

This afternoon I decided to try and capture it.  The following photos are a re-enactment of his usual routine.  He wasn't quite as excited, given that I first had to take his shoes off in order to start the series of events :) 

First he holds them up to his feet:

Then he hollers for me to put them on:

Followed by some flailing

More attempts to put them on himself:

Then a little more squawking if we (the parents) aren't putting them on fast enough:

And lastly, the final product -- shoe satisfaction

So in case you are wondering, this is the photo of the group that really doesn't do his true reaction justice.  Typically the final product would be a smiling baby who kicks his shoes together a few times then gets up and takes off walking.  Today I just got a stare as if to say (thanks lady for taking off my awesome shoes, only to then make me beg to have them put back on.)

Not quite the emotion I was trying to capture, but I can't say that I blame him!!

Normally he would look a little more like this:

Happy Monday!

"Kid-Free" Time

Becoming a parent is soooo beyond a full time job.  I mean the reality is that it compands 110% of your time, energy, thought, patience and love.  It also becomes really difficult to find "kid-free" time to spend with your spouse.  To begin with it can be hard to find someone you feel comfortable leaving your child with.  Tony and I are blessed to have family close by who is always more than willing to watch their favorite (and only) grandson!!
But even given that we have family to watch Charlie, it is still hard to find time.  We both work full time jobs that probably demand at least 50 hours a week.  We both have hobbies we enjoy, friends we want to see, so making time to fit all those things in can be quite the challenge, plus at some point you might want to sleep :)  And then there is the inevitable guilt you feel whenever you leave your child behind.  I remember within the first few days of Charlie's life being completely flooded with guilt.  I can't even tell you what exactly I felt guilty about -- I just felt it, guilt, guilt, guilt.  It begins the moment you see their sweet little face and I am quite convinced it never ends.

Today however was one of those rare times where all the stars aligned.  Tony and several other guys had paid for a Jockey Club Suite at Churchill Downs for the day today. We had planned to bring Charlie and at the last minute changed our minds.  We opted to leave him with my parent's for the day, that way he could still have his afternoon nap and Tony and I could spend the day together.  BEST DECISION EVER!!!!!!!
We had a wonderful time, talking, laughing, spending time together.  I also realized when you aren't literally juggling a child, many tasks are quite simple.  I didn't have to open my water bottle with one hand, or eat a sandwich while balancing a 20 pound child on my hip.  I got to talk and laugh with my husband and it was awesome.

Moral of the story, making "kid-free" time happen is not easy, but sooooo valuable, and sooo important.  I love this little boy and this face with ALL MY HEART!

But I also love this man, and the life we have made together.

It was nice to take an afternoon, and remember where this all started, with just the two of us.  Love u babe.
 

Missing in Action

For the last several weeks I have clearly been an absentee blogger. I realized the other day the reason that I hadn`t sat down and written a post was because I didn`t want/wasn`t ready to talk about the things happening in our life.
To begin, just a few weeks into April Tony and I discovered we were pregnant with our second baby. We were obviously thrilled, and thinking about the upcoming joy of another baby filled most of my thoughts, but it was just too early to share that kind of news in such a public forum so I didn`t blog. Then May came and around the 10 week mark we discovered we had lost the baby. The same joy and excitement we felt in April came crashing down on us in May. I had been waiting for that appointment to share the news of the baby with the blog world, and instead was presented with such a sad situation. Obviouslly following the miscarriage, I went round and round about whether or not I wanted to talk about it on the blog and originally decided not to.
Today I went back to the doctor for the first time since the miscarriage and we talked about a lot of things. We talked about what we can do in the future, testing we might want to do now, and I realized I can`t have a blog, and then not talk about the things happening in my life. Sometimes it will be light and fluffy, but sometimes it will be serious and personal. I realized today at the doctor that the next several months will be filled with a multitude of emotions as we move on from the loss of a baby. Worry that we won`t have another, fear that we will sufffer through mulitple miscarriages, along with a heightened awareness of how lucky we are to have a beautiful-happy-healthy little boy. I intended this blog to serve as almost a diary to myself and my family about this time in my life and I can`t skim over the tough parts and only share the happy times (or at least that is not what I am choosing to do).
I will come back again with pictures of the happy times from the last few months like memorial day weekend with family, my mom`s birthday and our trip to Derby this year courtesy of my friend Stephanie. But for tonight I just wanted to explain my absense. Be back soon!